


Uncover Your Eyes

by xypeilo



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-06 03:16:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6735847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xypeilo/pseuds/xypeilo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin and Levi look for love in the wrong places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~  
> I've actually posted this about two years ago and I took it down. But here it is again since I found it buried with my other unfinished pieces. 
> 
> The updates should be weekly or sooner than that since most of it is already written. I just have to make minor changes to the chapters before posting. 
> 
> Enjoy~

Erwin laid on his stomach stark naked with his arms tucked under a pillow and his face buried in it. His entire body glistened in a thin layer of sweat under the faint moonlight seeping through the blinds. Mike was sitting up, head resting against the headboard, idly smoking a cigarette. The two said nothing to each other after they climaxed--what could they say? This wasn't a relationship--in fact, Mike was a married man. In a couple of moments the taller blonde would wipe his dick clean, get dressed, and walk out without a word.

Before they even started this… _thing_ , they promised there wouldn't be feelings involved no matter what. Mike's wife would never suspect him of swinging the other way so they both thought, why not give it a try? They've been at this for about three months, and Mike could already sense Erwin's lack of drive to do such things with someone he couldn't love. Because of that, today was different. Today Mike broke the silence.

"It doesn't hurt to meet new people," Mike said quietly while looking out the window. Erwin didn't move, nor react but Mike knew he was listening. "You shouldn't torture yourself like this." Erwin responded with a sigh--Mike was right. He figured they should stop soon before Hange found out.

When Mike finally left, Erwin took a hot shower. He stood under the nozzle and the pressure and heat of the water massage his neck and shoulders. He stared at the linoleum floor for awhile without moving and pondered how shitty his life was. But how could he think that way?--he wondered. He was a well-paid author; he made enough money to feed himself and pay the rent.

The only thing missing was being with someone he loved--and if it wasn't Mike, then who? Mike didn't love Erwin enough to leave his wife--and to be honest, Erwin respected that. He understood the reality of the situation. Hange was a good woman to Mike and he didn't want to ruin their relationship any further. Erwin Smith was lonely--he just wanted to be loved and for whatever reason he couldn't get it from anyone.

He got out of the shower and got dressed. He wasn't quite tired just yet since the night was still young, so he straightened up his apartment for a bit and decided to lounge in the living room with the tv on at a low volume. He was watching, but he wasn't paying attention. He sat at one end of the couch with an untouched bowl of popcorn in his lap. Slowly, he looked to his right and stared at the empty spot next to him. He imagined his lover cuddling under his arm, laughing hysterically at some stupid show they both enjoyed.

Or maybe they weren't cuddling--maybe his lover sat at the end of the couch silently, eyes focused on the screen. The lights would be off and the only thing Erwin could see was the multihued light from the tv illuminating bits and pieces of their face. For moment he'd think about kissing those parts that glowed in the dark room; Maybe they'd ignore the tv and spend a good moment making out; Maybe they're both reading instead--the other's leg would be resting on Erwin's lap and he'd idly massage their foot as they both kept their eyes glued to their books.

He wanted these moments, he needed someone to be with--he's pushing forty for god's sake, was this it for him? Was he really going to sit here for the rest of his life on this couch by himself? He imagined himself replacing the couch with an armchair--sitting alone, in that the lonely chair in the dark room for the rest of his pathetic life. He made himself feel sick.

Erwin was beginning to doze off when suddenly he heard his neighbor shouting profanity next door. He glanced at the clock above the tv--what the hell could be going on at midnight? Occasionally there would days where he'd hear two males arguing quite aggressively--sometimes they'd be so loud that Erwin could actually hear what they were saying. His room was right next what would be his neighbor's living room, so he'd lay in bed and listen to the arguments.

He usually took the side of the voice that sounded deeper--his responses were so hilariously sarcastic that it sent the other one off. But beside that, he was right the whole time. Sometimes they'd argue about simple shit like leaving the living room light on. Other heated arguments would be about their relationship and how it was failing. But most nights were filled with hot skin-slapping sex that kept Erwin wide awake and stroking himself--it was even better when Mike was around. They would both listen to their neighbors fuck like rabbits for hours as they did it themselves--climaxing when the neighbors climaxed.

A few seconds later he heard an explosion coming from the same apartment. Erwin instantly got up and walked to his door, then hesitated. He didn't know if he should check on him or not--he doesn't even know his neighbor's name, let alone his face. But that didn’t matter--there was a goddamn explosion.

Tossing the thought aside he walked out without putting shoes on and ran to his neighbor's door to start banging on it. He heard coughing and more profanity--and if Erwin wasn't crazy, he swore he smelled something burning coming from behind the door. Panicking, he banged on the door again--harder this time. He looked around nervously--should I call someone? Should I knock again?

Without much time and thought, he backed away until his back met the rail and ran back to ram his six foot two frame against the door. It swung open and a gust of hot smoke grabbed his face. Just as he was about to back away again, a small body ran into his, causing him to fall and hit his back against the rail.

"Motherfucking--" the smaller one pushed Erwin aside as he stood up and gripped the rail. He was looking down furiously at the parking lot below. "--ASSHOLE! COME BACK HERE AGAIN AND I'LL KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT. YOU HEAR ME? I'LL FUCKING SKIN YOU ALIVE AND SHIT ON YOUR GRAVE." His voice echoed and a neighbor on the other side told him to shut up. The little guy snapped his head in the direction of the complaining resident and pushed off the rail. "OH I'M SO SORRY TO DISTURB YOUR FUCKING BEAUTY SLEEP THOMAS. MY APARTMENT, IS ON _FIRE_."

Erwin sat there for a moment, not knowing how to react to the situation. He couldn’t help but notice how tiny and young looking his neighbor was for such a deep voice. Erwin guessed he was about nineteen or maybe in his early twenties.

He watched his neighbors bicker for a minute, then turned his attention to the burning apartment. Still against the rail, Erwin pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed for help.

"You filthy _fucking_ homos--" When Erwin got off the phone and caught a bit of what Thomas said, the instant the little neighbor charged after him, Erwin grabbed him by the collar and roughly pulled him back.

"Hey!" he squeaked as he squirmed in the giant's grasp. Erwin glared at Thomas who was peeking from the door. Getting the idea, Thomas shut the door and Erwin let go of the imp who backed away a couple of feet. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"It's almost one in the morning, your apartment is on fire and you sound like an annoying teenage girl--that's my fucking problem." Erwin barked angrily--although there have been many occasions at one in the morning where he's dealt through the noise next door. He should be use to it by now so he quickly added in softer tone, "A-And I called for help, by the way."

The little one flinched at the response and smirked. Erwin was convinced he forgot about his burning apartment already. Teens and their short attention span. "I like you. What's your name?"

Erwin was taken aback. "Erwin."

"Well nice to meet you too, Eyebrows. I'm Levi."

º•º•º

The fire department came and cleared Levi's apartment. Everything was damaged. Apparently the boyfriend, which Erwin learned later whose name was Eren, knocked over some candles and left the stove on while Levi was asleep after they had fought. Levi seemed apathetic about the situation--his expression was pretty much same shit, different day or been there done that. Erwin couldn't really make a comment because he knew--he'd heard almost every argument. Pitying the poor kid, Erwin offered Levi a place to stay since he knew Thomas wouldn't want to. Levi reluctantly accepted the offer since he had nowhere else to go.

"What a plain apartment." Levi looked around in disgust while Erwin tossed a pillow and a blanket on the couch.

"If you don't like it, then go to Thomas." was all Erwin could say, though he hated to agree with Levi. He made a mental note to buy posters or any type of decor to spruce up his apartment.

Levi sat on the couch with a heavy sigh. "I never said I didn't like it. And what's up with this couch? You have no sense in style and comfort."

Erwin tossed Levi a towel and a pair of clothes. "Go shower--I don't want my couch to stink. We'll talk more in the morning."

"Why haven't we met?" Levi asked, ignoring Erwin. "We live right next to each other and I've never seen your face before. I didn't think this apartment was even occupied." _Because you're either too busy fighting or fucking,_ Erwin thought. _I can't believe I got turned on by a kid those times._

Erwin leaned against the corner of the wall right outside the small hallway. He crossed his arms and let out a small sigh. He was tired and frustrated from the few things that happened today. "I don't leave my apartment often--I work here."

"Ahh, that makes sense. What do you do?" It was like talking to a child, Erwin felt. A child trying to stall before going to bed. Erwin tried to keep his responses short, in hopes that the little imp got the idea.

"I'm a writer."

"What do you write?"

"Fiction novels."

Levi sat cross-legged on the couch, resting his elbows on the sides of knees while his chin rested on his hands. He gave a cheeky smile--obviously stalling. "What kind of fiction novels?"

º•º•º

Levi sat on the floor of the shower scrubbing himself raw. Fucking asshole, he almost shouted. He comes in drunk and nearly fucking kills me. He scrubbed his calf harder until it was numb and stained with a pink hue. He tried to get rid of the horrid scent from the fire off his skin and the areas that Eren touched. He suddenly threw the washcloth against the shower wall in frustration, cursing quietly to himself. His entire apartment was damaged. His cat even died in the fire.

Levi sat back and stared at his body--every inch of him was covered in bruises from either sex or fights. He was tired of being with Eren, yet why does he keep coming back to him? Because despite being an asshole, Eren was good to him. Eren loved him. He even said that. He felt anxiety swell in his chest as he brought his knees up for his elbows to rest on and ran his fingers through his hair. He was delusional--Eren didn't love him and he knew it. Levi unconsciously dug crescent shaped marks in his forearm and dragged it back and forth, tearing skin until it bled. Anxiety enclosed his heart and he sobbed quietly in his knees, with the hot water burning his back.

Erwin stood behind the door and listened to the painful sobs that were barely audible.

 

  
Levi got out of the shower and got dressed. Erwin's shirt was large enough to be a nightgown, so he disregarded the pants and walked out in just that. Erwin was in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen and staring at his phone. He flinched at the sight of Levi.

"Pants didn't fit?"

"I'm five-fucking-two and you're like eight feet tall. Of course they don't fit."

Erwin laughed. "I'm assuming after what happened you must be tired now."

"I'm in a stranger's apartment and I was almost cooked in my sleep. what makes you think I want to knock out? Let's chat!"

Erwin shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. "I’ll pass. I had a rough night myself so I'm gonna tune down soon."

Levi climbed on the counter across from Erwin. "Girlfriend problems?"

Erwin knew he was gonna be pulled into another conversation, so he decided he might as well stick with it. "Not quite."

"Oh? Boyfriend problems then?"

“Eh.”

“Let me guess: He’s either a closeted gay living with his strict catholic family...or, he’s married but can’t choose between you and the Mrs.?”

“Alright, enough questions. Go to sleep.” Erwin deadpanned. He pushed the teenager out of the kitchen, leading him into the living room. Levi doubled over while letting the blonde shove him almost playfully towards the couch.

“Don’t worry gramps, I’ve got nothing to say about it.”

º•º•º

Levi woke up to the smell of bacon and the sound of dishes clattering. He stretched on the couch and groaned at the series of relieving cracks in his back. He instantly sat up and looked around, almost forgetting the previous night’s events. Erwin turned his gaze from the stove and saw the teen drenched with sleep and discomfort.

“Good morning!” he called from the kitchen. “Sorry about the couch. I’m making breakfast to make up for it.”

Levi stood up and stretched again while making his way to the kitchen. “You didn’t have to,” he yawned. “though I won’t reject eggs and bacon.”

“Go get washed up and come eat. We gotta talk.”

“Okay.” Levi trudged out of the kitchen as Erwin started setting up the plates. He was nervous about having a guest over. He wasn’t use to having anyone but Mike in his apartment. But he figured he needed something like this to get his mind off his work and Mike himself. Levi came out in five minutes and sat down on a mahogany table opposite of Erwin.

“So, about your apartment,” Erwin began, picking at his food. He didn’t even know where to begin, so he stalled by putting food in his mouth. “Do you have anywhere to stay?”

Levi thought for a moment as he scarfed down his eggs. “None of this wouldn’t have happened if my parents didn’t kick me out of their house.”

“Can I ask why?”

“Cuz I’m gay.” he replied unphased. “They’re the strict catholic family.”

Erwin bit the inside of his cheek as he shifted his food around the plate, contemplating on a proposal. “I have an extra room,” he said carefully. “I only use it as my office, but it’s practically empty. My desk is the only thing that’s in there.”

Levi stopped chewing at stared at him. Erwin quickly added, “I know we just met, but I thought it would help for the time being.”

“Really? Are you sure? You’d let me be your roommate?”

“I don’t mind--but on one condition.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Your boyfriend isn’t allowed here. I’ve...heard a lot of your arguments from the other wall because you guys are really loud. So if you’re gonna meet each other, it can’t be in my apartment. Sorry.”

Levi rolled his eyes. “Ex-boyfriend. And do you really think I’m that stupid after what happened?”

Erwin raised his brows thoughtfully. _I guess we’ll have to find out._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looked like he belonged in some dank garage party with a bunch of Bill and Teds talking about how they're so different from other people, or discussing their philosophies on love and life like they've been through so much in their entire seventeen years of existing, or they'd have a competition on who had the most traumatic childhood experiences.

It didn’t occur to Erwin what he had done until now. He knew what he did, but he didn’t quite grasp the idea in his head entirely. Did he do what he did out of pity or was it simply something he felt obligated to do? He didn’t know.

 But there he was, standing in the middle of Levi’s living room. He stood there for a couple of minutes, just simply absorbing the situation. His eyes were fixated on the rubble before him. The air was thick and musty. There were things in this apartment he knew that happened. They didn’t just _argue_ . They didn’t just _fuck all night_. First it’d start with something being thrown across the room, and then from there Erwin can’t imagine what Eren would be doing to him. Choking him, hitting him--nobody knew except for them, and Erwin.

 A series of thoughts came and went; what was the problem? What was so off about this situation? Why did Erwin feel so uncomfortable being here? He stood there--he just stood there, not even knowing where or how to start this debate in his head. The thoughts became a blur and the only thing he could hear and feel was the heavy pulse on his temple.

 The moment something clattered onto the floor in the other room and Levi’s train of profanity followed right after, the gears in Erwin’s mind started to turn instantaneously.

  _What the fuck did I just do?_

 Sure he thought about it long and hard last night--Levi was clearly in a situation that screamed he needed help. He knew offering this kid to live with him wasn’t a big deal--that wasn’t the _problem_ . The _problem_ was, he offered someone who has a psychotic boyfriend to live with him. Who’s to say Erwin’s apartment might not be next? Then what? Who’s to say that Levi himself isn’t crazy? Sure he’s heard every single conversation because indoor voices doesn’t seem to exist to them, but he doesn’t know their relationship entirely.

 As Erwin rambled on in his head about the pros and cons of having Levi-- _a total stranger_ \--as a roommate, he rummaged through the piles of rubble to find things that might hold value. “If you really want to be useful, go find whatever survived in the living room.” Levi had said after Erwin insisted he could help. There was practically nothing in the living room that survived--except for maybe a few posters that didn’t look half bad when charred.

 He held a poster from the top and bottom and took in what was left. It was Andy Warhol’s photo of Marilyn Monroe. A large chunk of the corner was missing, but Monroe’s face was still in one piece. He thought maybe he could cut out her face and doing something artsy with it if Levi didn’t mind. He always had a knack for crafting--but then Eren might’ve given him the poster. Erwin’s appetite for creativity died quickly.

 Levi came out of his room with a box and winced at the sight of the old man, head cocked to the side, muttering _god-knows-what_ under his breath. Levi dropped the box and Erwin flinched, letting the poster drift from his hands and onto the rubble. He looked at Levi like he was a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

 Levi cleared his throat in the awkward silence. “I’m assuming you didn’t find anything.”

 “Uh--” Erwin smiled sheepishly and ran his fingers through the back of his hair.

 “It’s fine, there’s nothing I want in here anyway. I already got my clothes and a few books. I don’t have much in my room. Also, I’m gonna need help taking out my futon. We can leave the frame, I’ll just use the mattress for the time being.”

 “Hey kid, I’m curious about something.”

 Levi raised an eyebrow. “What?”

 “Why didn’t you leave sooner?”

 Levi almost flinched at the question. He stood there awkwardly and looked at anything but Erwin. “Look, that’s really none of your business. I’ll pay rent and do chores, but I’m not comfortable sharing my personal life story.”

 What else could Erwin say? “Okay.”

 

 º•º•º

 

“Hey I’m a little horny right now could I come over?” Mike was so obviously drunk, Erwin was worried if Hange was around.

 Erwin was thrown off by the sudden question and nearly dropped his phone. He glanced at Levi who was kicked back on the couch reading a book while Erwin stood in front of a boiling pot of noodles.

 “It’s, uh...it’s a bad time.” Erwin whispered though he totally wanted to get laid at the moment. Levi briefly glanced in his direction and rolled his eyes.

 “Erwin Smith, _you want this dick_. There is never a bad time.”

 “Look, uh, I have someone over right now--”

 “Whaaat? Since when are you social? Are you cheating on me, Smith?”

 “I got a new roommate.”

 Mike gasped. “ _Ohhh_ \--wait. A roommate? Like...you actually have someone living with you or did you finally buy a dog?”

 “Er, someone and, it’s a long story.”

 “I just saw you the other day, how the hell did you get a roommate?”

 “Like I said, it’s a long story. I’ll...tell you later. I’m making dinner right now.”

 “Alright, fine. I’ll call you tomorrow, sound good?”

“Sure.” After Mike hung up, Erwin glanced at Levi who was still reading and quickly added out loud, “Thanks Mom, yeah, I love you too. Okay, buh-bye.”

Erwin tossed his phone on the counter and sighed. It was Levi’s official day here. They hardly spoke; Erwin didn’t know if talking was even necessary--after all, Levi didn't want be close. The little man spent his entire day in his room while Erwin tried to knock out a few hours on his current novel (which was going nowhere). He couldn't think with the noise in the other room--he was use to silence and the occasional hum of the fridge. Unless Mike was over--which reminded him that he couldn’t let Mike over anymore.

Erwin looked up at Levi again; he was still fixated on his book. Somehow seeing the kid reading didn’t suit his image; with a few tattoos and piercings, Levi looked like he’d be doing anything but reading. He wore a plain white v-neck t-shirt with sweats that were shimmied up to his knees. _What the fuck is the point in wearing sweats if you're gonna treat it like shorts?_ Erwin thought. _Kids and their weird fashion styles nowadays_. Seeing him in such a tranquil setting was odd. He looked like he belonged in some dank garage party with a bunch of Bill and Teds talking about how they're so different from other people, or discussing their philosophies on love and life like they've been through so much in their entire seventeen years of existing, or they'd have a competition on who had the most traumatic childhood experiences. 

“Was that your boyfriend?” Levi asked without looking up from his book.

 _How the hell...?_ Erwin felt his face get warm with embarrassment. “Uh, n-no. That was my mom.”

“Oh please,” Levi tossed his book on the couch and walked over to the kitchen. He hoisted himself on the counter and watched Erwin cook. “That was _clearly_ your boyfriend. Nobody whispers to their mother on the phone and then says goodbye in the worst enthusiastic tone ever. Get real. Anyway, is he coming over?”

Erwin sighed and rubbed his temple. Levi was too much. “No.”

Levi shrugged. “So, he’s married huh?” 

“Don’t you have reading to do?”

“I know I said I didn’t want to get personal, but I should at least get to know who I’m living with. I mean I could’ve moved in with a serial killer for all I know.”

“I don’t see how getting to know the people I have sex with has anything to do with _anything_.” 

“Easy, Eyebrows. Sorry, I’m pretty notorious for being nosey.”

Erwin smirked. “I think the grown-up in the situation should be the one asking the questions, kid.” If Levi was going to act feisty, two can play at that game.

Levi gawked at him. “Oh ha-ha fucker. Just ‘cuz I’m short…”

Erwin chuckled softly as the small brunet crossed his arms and pouted. “How old are you anyway? I mean, you could totally pass as a high school freshmen, no offense.”

 “I’m twenty-two, alright? So can you stop calling me kid?” 

“Twenty-two? Seriously? You look like you’re sixteen.”

 “Ay old man, you got Alzheimer’s? I asked a question.”

“I’ll stop calling you kid when you stop calling me ‘Old Man’ and ‘Eyebrows’--and for your information I’m thirty-seven.”

 Levi snorted. “Pshhh. You look like in you’re in your fifties, and yeah, not happening. I can’t not call you ‘Eyebrows’.”

 

º•º•º  
 

After dinner was made, Levi ran away with his plate into his room and didn’t come out until midnight when Erwin was settled in his room. He could hear him wash his dishes as quickly and quietly as possible. As he was listening, he noted that Levi was good about saving water, turning it off while he scrubbed the dishes unlike himself who scrubs and washes at the same time. Erwin heard the cabinet pop open--Levi was drying and putting away his dishes too.

So he cleaned up after himself properly. Erwin thought how long it would take until the kid got lazy--because it was his first day, of course he would to leave a good impression. Erwin never had a roommate before, and didn’t know what to expect. _Are roommates suppose to be friends? Should I try bonding with him? The kid went through some emotional scarring--even though he says he doesn’t want to get close, in actuality he does--he’s just afraid, right?_

 Erwin heard Levi’s bare feet pad the wooden floor hastily back to his room. He closed the door and Erwin could hear him fall onto the mattress with a heavy sigh. Without the wall separating them, their beds were practically right next to each other.

 The air was too still, and Erwin was afraid Levi could hear him breathe. He heard the blankets rustle as Levi shifted around. Erwin turned to face the wall, resting his head on the side of his elbow and listened. The moonlight spilled through the blinds and highlight parts of the wall. Erwin kept his attention on the silhouette of the blinds on the wall and outlined them with his eyes. Occasionally he'd mindlessly reach up to touch them, running his warm finger along the cool wall--almost making him shiver at the touch.

 It was strange having another being living with him. He didn’t know what to expect from this. Maybe Erwin was thinking too deeply into it. But would they get as far as being friends? Erwin didn’t have very many friends when he was little. People like Levi would tease him about his eyebrows and shun him completely. The only people he could call friends would be Hanji and Mike--he didn’t meet them until junior year of high school. They always stuck around him after they all graduated--until those two got married. Now it’s just him. Sure Mike acts as a fuckbuddy, but in the end, Erwin is still alone. 

Erwin suddenly heard sniffling on the other side of the wall. There was no doubt that Levi was crying again. They were quiet sobs; Levi was forcing them down but after a few convulsions in his chest, he finally broke out. Erwin put his hand on the wall where Levi might be.

 “I’m sorry.” he whispered as Levi got louder. _I want to help you._

 

º•º•º

 

The entire scene was too fucking familiar. Levi would be on the couch doing whatever, and Eren would be cooking. Eren was a shitty cook, but you could tell he put a lot of effort in it. In fact, he put a lot effort in everything he did for Levi. He was a very sweet boy--very caring and very considerate. _Was_.

 Watching Erwin cook, set the plates, lecture Levi about cooking spaghetti--it nearly ticked him off. Erwin was something Eren wasn’t anymore, and for that, he just missed him more. But the moment his heart ached for Eren, he’d remember what had happened just the other day.

Eren tried to kill him.

 

Levi ate on the desk Erwin decided to leave in the room (Erwin said he didn’t need such a big desk for just a laptop anyway). When he took his first bite, he started to cry. He didn’t know why--maybe it was the fact that Eren attempted to murder him, maybe the spaghetti was just that damned good--he didn’t know. But he sat there, and chewed his food while letting the tears and snot flow down his face.

_I’m not happy._

 What was the goddamn point in living if nobody cared? His parents turned their backs on him, his boyfriend nearly killed him--is this what God wanted for him? To suffer? To push him to the point of wanting to kill himself? Then this jolly blonde idiot starts dancing into his life, acting like he’s some goddamn samaritan--what? Him too? Is he gonna ruin his life too?

**_I’m not happy._ **

 But there was something about Erwin he couldn’t put his finger on. He was kind to him; confirming with Levi if it was okay to do something, trying to initiate a conversation even though it died within seconds, cooking for him--who the hell was this man? They just _met_. Why couldn’t Eren--

_Eren…_

Eren is just a year younger than Levi. They met in high school and started dating; it was a good couple of years until Eren got ahold of all sorts of drugs and alcohol. Levi did all he could to help him but the relationship just got worse. They fought quite aggressively; shoves quickly became back handed slaps or brief choking. Then Eren would storm out for a few hours and come back begging for forgiveness. It was a dangerous cycle that never ended.

What was point? What was stopping him of letting g--

_BZZT BZZT. BZZT BZZT._

Well speak of the devil…

Levi glanced over at his phone that brightly displayed “Unknown”. His heart sped up and his hands became clammy. It was him--he knew it. What could he say? What _would_ he say? All he had to do was reject him. That’s all he had to do. He was gonna kill himself anyway, so there wasn’t much for him to ponder on. Drop the ball, then commit suicide. Hesitantly, he reached for his phone and answered it. Or maybe Levi was getting ahead of himself--maybe it wasn’t Eren. Eren was probably fucking a hooker or some shit since he wasn’t even gay. Yeah. That's another story.

 “Hello?”

 “Baby?” it _was_ Eren. “Baby are you okay?”

 “What do you want?” Levi snapped coldly, keeping his voice low in case Erwin heard him--but the old man was occupied with washing dishes.

 “Aw baby don’t be like that, please. It was an accident. Where are you? I want to see you.”

 “You stay the fuck away from me, Jaeger. You got that? If I so much as see you within my peripherals, I’ll fucking kill you. You hear me?” 

Eren sighed. “Baby we have our bad days--I just snapped, I was drunk for god’s sakes. I didn’t know what I was doing.” long pause. “I’m sorry. I really am, Levi. Can I see you? I want to talk this out with you properly.”

There were always days like this--Eren would sound sincere to the point that Levi would fall for it every time. They would have sex for hours to make it up, and then they’d go back to arguing over stupid shit to point where it got physically violent. But today would be different. Levi didn’t have to hear it anymore. He simply hung up and went back to eating.

Levi waited to leave his room until midnight when the old man was sound asleep. He quickly washed his dish and trotted to his room to figure how he was gonna do this. He landed on his bed with a heavy sigh and stared at the ceiling. _Today_ , he thought. _I’ll do it today._

Levi was depressed. He was so fucking depressed he didn’t want to exist anymore. Nobody he needed the most was here for him. He was tired of trying. He was alone. He was all alone--

 _Stop_.

Levi tossed and turned in bed, holding in his sobs. He wanted to die, he didn't. He did, he didn't. He didn't know.  D _on’t think like that. Enough. Stop being a such a pathetic little crybaby._

_I can’t._

_Yes you can._

_I want to die._

**_No_ ** _._

Levi finally broke down. He didn’t care if Erwin heard him. He didn’t care about anything. He just wanted to give up. There was nothing in the world for him anymore. Nothing. He would’ve been a lot happier if he didn’t fight for his life from the fire. He should’ve just burned--a disgusting faggot like him should’ve just rotted in that apartment. Maybe being gay _was_ a bad thing. Well fuck, might as well do the world a favor right? One less homo to worry about.

_Nothing can stop me._

Levi sat up and wiped his eyes. _It's all or nothing._ He stood up and ripped a piece of paper from one of his books and scribbled a quick note for Erwin. He left it on his desk and made his way to the bathroom.

_Nothing can stop me._

He turned on the light and locked the door. He stood in front of the sink and stared at himself in the mirror; he had to tip toe to see his whole face. _Look at you, you’re a goddamn joke. A full five foot two walking joke._

He opened the mirror and saw different pill bottles. He was suddenly stumped when he didn’t know what pills would actually kill him. Who the fuck cares? Why not take them all and find out from there? There were sleeping pills, painkillers, and shit ton of bottles with big science-y words that Levi couldn’t pronounce. _Whatever_.

Bottle by bottle he shook them out into his palm until his entire hand was full. He closed the cabinet and stared at himself again. He took one long look at himself. He wasn’t going to miss anything. Not his shitty parents, not Eren, not even himself.

_Nothing can stop me._

He looked at the pills and took a deep breath. _Adios, fucked up world._ With his free hand he turned on the faucet and downed several pills at a ti--

A series of hard knocks suddenly came to the door.

 

“LEVI? _OPEN THE DOOR!_ ”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone get my Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure reference?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate editing

 Levi woke up to the sound of the heart monitor and the pungent scent of antibacterial soap. He opened his eyes slowly and the first thing he saw was a poster that read in bold black letters “You’re Not Alone” overlapping two silhouettes running towards a sunset hand-in-hand. Pathetic, was his first thought upon consciousness. Levi turned his head and found his father sitting beside him with a stern look stained on his face. He was the _last_ person he wanted to see.

The brunet shifted uncomfortably in bed so he could sit up, but his entire torso felt sore--there was a sharp, almost burning sensation in his throat and the very pit of his stomach. He had a faint headache pulsating from behind his eyes--yeah, his father was definitely the last person he wanted to see.

"Oh. It's you. It’s been since what? My high school graduation?" Levi’s voice croaked and echoed in the room as he tried to force a smile, but his father didn't seem to be in the mood to make light of the situation. His expression showed neither pity nor compassion-- _disappointment_ seemed to fit more than anything.

"Look at you," his father spat, his voice low and withered with age. "You're a goddamn embarrassment."

"Well I’m glad you're still alive too, pops." Levi quipped and dropped his head against the hard plastic bed frame. His whole body felt weak.

The ex-marine remained stoic and continued to glare at his good-for-nothing son. Though it wasn’t exactly glaring--it was his everyday face. His straight face. The default expression that Levi makes without even thinking about it.

“What are you _doing_ with your life, Levi?”

Before pepper haired old man laid a withered and battered boy--his boy. His son. The one whose eyes first  met his after he was born. The one whose first word was “dada”. The one he potty trained, whose wounds he tended, taught how to ride a bike, gave the sex talk to--he was there through it all. He was there every step of the way. He made sure his son was the kind of child he wanted him to be. Not some homosexual drug addict--or so what Levi presented himself to be. Where did he go wrong? His wife died during childbirth, so maybe that was it? But when Levi’s step mother came into the picture when he was about nine, they had a mutual respect for one another. Where did his father go wrong? The thought infuriated him--he was careful. He was strict. He was a good dad, he thought. The best dad.

“I don’t have time for this. Get out.” Levi didn’t meet his father’s eyes. He didn’t want to. His father would lecture him; He’d go on a rant about how his son is a filthy homo--how Levi wasn’t raised like that and how he should go to church or he’d be damned in the deepest pit of hell. No. It was annoying enough that he was alive--breathing, seeing, smelling, hearing, feeling--it was annoying enough that he was on suicide watch. Everything was annoying.

Erwin saved him and that pissed him off. How the fuck did the shitty brows even think it was okay to interfere? What was he hoping to _gain_? Levi’s friendship? Self-satisfactory? Fuck that. Fuck him. Now Levi’s miserably sitting here in his damn bed with nothing to kill himself with.

The door was wide open, and he bet money that a nurse was waiting right outside. He looked down by his hands where the leather straps lay tauntingly beside him. All he needed to do was behave and they’d let him out sooner.

“Levi, I want to help you--” his father’s tone was suddenly soft--tempting him to give in and feel emotional. But now wasn’t the time and place. In fact, there would never be a time and place for a father and son connection. It was all bullshit, anyway.

“Nurse!” Levi shouted. “Please take this man away from me.”

A small woman promptly came in to rush his father out who gave little objection. Levi sat there for a moment--what was he doing with his life? Was suicide even the answer--was that something he even wanted?

“Is there anything I can get you, Levi?” The nurse asked after she came back.

Levi thought about for a second. “Yeah I’d like you to get someone for me please.”

 

* * *

 

_Erwin was seven when it happened. He was a foster kid that use to jump from one family to the next but when he met his sixth family, he couldn’t have been more happier. He had two of the sweetest parents and a loving older-by-nine-years sister that he always looked up to. His life was even better when they finally adopted him after a couple of years._

  _One night, Erwin was awakened by noises occurring in the bathroom across from his bedroom. When he wasn’t sure what the sound was, it happened again. He sat still for a moment and waited until he heard a heavy thud shortly after._ _Slowly, he slid off his bed and tiptoed out of his room.  He stood at his doorway and stared at the golden outline of the bathroom door. The hallway was dark and silent except for the sound of the fan running in the bathroom._

  _Erwin walked to the door in slow, small steps. He knocked on it softly, and then again a little harder when there wasn’t a response. He looked over at the other rooms in the hall; His sister’s room was the only one that was open, so she must’ve been the one inside._

  _After a brief contemplation he decided to open the door--surprised that it wasn’t locked--and found his sister lying on the linoleum floor in an awkward position.  Several pill bottles were scattered around her body. Was she in so much pain that she needed all those pills? Erwin wondered._

  _Erwin walked over to her and shook her lightly, but she didn’t stir. Her eyes were swollen with a pink hue-- Was she crying herself to sleep again? For the past several weeks that’s all she had been doing. She never left her room. She no longer smiled--Erwin didn’t know why. But for the first time, somehow , she looked like she was at peace with herself...and he was glad that he didn’t wake her._

  _He laid beside her on the bathroom floor and fell asleep with her._

…

“Erwin?”

_He opened his eyes slowly and winced at the brightness of the room, finding his mother sitting on the foot of his bed._

_“G’morning Ma.” he rubbed his eyes and yawned--suddenly he remembered last night. “Where’s Ada?”_

_“Uhm…” her voice was small, and she looked down at her hands. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t tell him._

_Without waiting, Erwin got out of bed and went to the bathroom. Ada wasn’t there. He trotted to her room--she wasn’t there either. He turned around and found his mother following him at a distance. She was crying now as she watched him. She had the same red rimmed eyes Ada had the previous night._

_“Where’s Ada?” he repeated sternly._

_“Honey, she…”_

_“Is she at school?” Erwin was getting impatient. Erwin knew it was a Saturday--but he didn’t know what else to say. His mother wasn’t answering properly, and that frustrated him._

_“No darling she’s um...she’s--”_

_Erwin clenched his fists and grit his teeth. “Where is she?”_

_“She’s not here anymore, Erwin.”  she finally snapped, and fell to her knees. She buried her face in her hands and sobbed loudly. “She’s...not...here…”_

 

She’s not here.

 

* * *

 

The sound of the bottles clattering against the linoleum floor made Erwin jump. He didn’t know what he was doing--he wasn’t thinking. One moment he’s in bed and then next his fingers are down Levi’s throat over the toilet. Dinner and pills slid against his fingers--it was a disgusting sight to see, and the smell was even worse. But Erwin held his ground. Levi tried to fight him--he wiggled and squirmed, but Erwin’s grip would tighten.

When Erwin was sure Levi had gotten it all out, he finally let go, and Levi fell to the floor. Dead? Fainted? Erwin didn’t know. The memory of his sister clouded his mind and he frantically searched for his phone.

 

º•º•º

 

“Erwin.” Levi’s voice made him flinch. He found himself standing by the doorway. Levi was leaning back against the headboard in a hospital gown, staring at the confused blonde. He was awake. He was alive. He was breathing. Erwin’s heartbeat quickly escalated at the sight of his roommate who was okay. “Sit down.”

Erwin noticed the tone in Levi’s voice and hesitantly made his way to the chair beside his bed. He looked at Levi who averted his attention to the barred window beside him.

“Why did you do it?” Levi asked, keeping his eyes on the window.

 “Because I care--”

“You don’t even know me.” His tone was cold. “Why the fuck would you care?”

“I don’t have to know someone in order to care about them.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Does _everything_ need a reason, Levi?”

 Levi turned his head to say something harsh, but stopped himself at the sight of those deep blue eyes. They stared at him intently--almost challengingly. But at the same time they were full of pain and maybe a hint of anger.

Levi tore his gaze away and looked back at the window. Maybe it wasn’t his time to go after all. He didn’t speak again, and Erwin stayed by his side until he was fast asleep.

 

º•º•º

 

“Hey--woah!” 

Erwin pulled Mike in and dragged him into the room. He stripped himself waist down and laid flat on his back on his bed.

“What’s the hurry?” Mike chuckled, unbuckling his belt.

 “Don’t talk, just fuck me already.” Erwin covered his face with his forearm and sighed. He needed to get the memories out of his head. His dead sister, the fact that Levi almost died--he wanted it gone. But Mike didn’t do anything. He just stood there with a concerned look on his face.

“What?” Erwin snapped.

“Erwin, what’s going on?”

“Nothing. Just--can we get this over with?” Erwin wanted it rough--he wanted anything to make the pain in chest go away. But instead of obeying him, Mike zipped his pants back up and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Put your pants back on.” he said softly.

 Erwin clenched his teeth and fists. “Goddamnit, Mike!”

 He sat up next to Mike buried his face in his palms. The taller blonde scooted closer to him and wrapped his arms around the smaller blonde who sobbed quietly. He kissed the side of his head and rubbed his arms soothingly.

“Tell me everything.”

 

º•º•º

 

Levi was discharged from the hospital a couple of weeks later. The doctors had to make sure he wasn’t a threat to himself or other people--and with good behavior, he was finally on his way back home. Levi wasn’t one to linger on situations, so he’d say he thanks and apologize for being a burden to Erwin and _maybe_ depending on how things go--they’d go back to normal.

But when he arrived, it was a stranger that answered the door. He was much taller than Erwin, and he looked at Levi as if he was expecting him.

“Hey there! You must be Levi! I’m Mike, I’m Erwin’s friend. Welcome back!” he grabbed Levi’s hand to shake it. Levi flinched at how his own hand was completely swallowed by this man’s.

“Uhm,” Levi looked back at the apartment number just to be sure he was at the right one. “nice to meet you. Is...Erwin here?”

“He went to store a while ago to pick up ingredients for dinner. Anyway come on in and keep me company.”

Levi followed Mike into the living room and they both sat on the couch. The t.v was playing some college football game, but neither of them paid mind to it.

“So, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

The brunet flinched. “Oh--”

“Don’t worry, only _good_ things.” Mike chuckled, taking a sip of his beer. “Sorry, I’m pretty awkward to talk to--I don’t even know how my wife puts up with me.”

 _Wife_. “So it’s you.”

“Pardon?”

“You’re the married guy Erwin sleeps with.”

Mike almost choked on his drink. “Uhm--and what gave you that idea?”

“Lucky guess, I suppose.” Levi went to get himself a beer from the kitchen.

 Mike followed after him and leaned against the counter. He waited a few pulses before speaking. “We don’t do it anymore.”

“Hm?” Levi took a few heavy gulps from the bottle. He honestly didn’t care about Mike or this _thing_ that’s suppose to celebrate his homecoming. He just wanted to sleep and be left alone for a few days.

 “I said we don’t do it anymore. Don’t worry, he’s all yours. Plus I have a baby on the way.”

This time Levi choked. “Excuse me? Do you honestly think that I like that pathetic sack of--”

The door clicked open. “I’m back!” 

Erwin appeared in the kitchen with  a paper bag full of groceries. He beamed at the sight of Levi--and in response Levi threw him a dirty look.

 “Welcome back!” he said, rushing to put the groceries down and bring Levi into a bear hug and nearly squeezing the life out of him. Where was this sudden compassion coming from? Levi was beginning to question more and more if this really was Erwin’s apartment and if this really was Erwin. He felt like he was in the movie Coraline.

“I get it old man, you miss me. Yeah yeah okay get off. I said get off!” Levi used all his strength to squirm out his grasp until Erwin finally gave up. The two blondes laughed as Erwin finally let go and ruffled Levi’s hair. He smiled warmly at him while resting his hand on Levi’s shoulder.

“Welcome back.” he repeated.

 

º•º•º

 

The three ate and finished watching the football game. After the game was finished, they spent all night talking about every topic they could think of. Levi noticed they avoided talking about Levi being in the hospital for a week, and he found himself appreciating that. He hated attention and being pitied.

 When it was hitting midnight, Mike announced he had to go and tend to his pregnant wife. Levi and Erwin began to clean the apartment in with little dialogue.

“Thanks.” Levi said while washing the dishes. Erwin stood beside him and dried them. “Thanks for this--all of this.”

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked. His tone and facial expression was completely different than it was ten minutes ago. He was much more serious now.

“I’m fine. Tired, I guess. You?”

“Same.”

 “You alright? You don’t look happy.” It was true--his mood completely shifted to the other side. Levi felt like he had to distance himself from Erwin. The blonde didn’t respond. He dried up the last of the dishes and started to wipe down the stove.

“Hey, pops--Earth to Erwin. Yo. You okay?”

“I’m fine.” 

Levi was utterly lost. Erwin was just laughing and joking not too long ago. Was it because his boyfriend wasn’t there anymore? Or the fact that they can’t be fuck buddies anymore? What was his deal? Levi felt himself getting irritated.

“What’s your problem?” Levi snapped. 

“I said I’m fine, Levi.”

Levi nodded his head and backed away. “So that’s it? Your ex boyfriend is gonna waltz in here and you show him how happy you are to see me and all that bullshit but when he leaves you’re gonna give me the cold shoulder?”

Erwin flinched at the cold words and looked at him softly. “Levi that’s not--”

“What’re you? My fucking stepmom? Great. You know what? Maybe I should just go--I’ll leave. Fuck it. Fuck you--” Levi threw the dish towel against the kitchen wall and stomped out.

 Erwin followed after him and grabbed his wrist. “Levi listen to me--” 

“Oh I don’t need to listen--I already know. Let go!”

“Levi you have--” Erwin struggled to keep hold of Levi who was pulling as hard as he could. “--to understand that--”

 

“For christ’s sake fucking _let go_ !” _I’ll dislocate my fucking shoulder if I have to,_ Levi thought to himself, feeling the aggravating strain. Erwin grabbed Levi by the shoulders and brought him closer so he can look at him in the eyes.

“You have to understand that I’m completely terrified right now!” 

Levi stopped struggling. “What?”

“...I’m _terrified_...” Erwin dropped his head and sighed.

Levi softens his gaze. “What are you afraid of?”

Erwin kept his head down and his hands on Levi’s shoulders. He bit his lip momentarily and spoke quickly. “My sister died when I was seven. I could’ve saved her--but I didn’t know any better. I thought she was just sleeping, but she wasn’t. I didn’t know all those pills  would--” Erwin was on the verge of hyperventilating. Levi could feel him gripping onto his shoulders tighter and tighter. “--And here _you_ are, _alive_. I’m not saying I don’t trust you but I...I can’t. A-And I know you and I aren’t friends--I know I just met you--but I’m still scared. I’m sorry--”

 Without thinking Levi grabbed his wrist and made his way to Erwin’s room. He laid next to the wall on Erwin’s bed, and patted next to him for Erwin to lay down. Erwin stood there, completely bewildered. 

“I...I’m confused.” 

“I’m not trying to seduce you, you big idiot, just lay down.”

Reluctantly, Erwin obeyed, and laid on his side with his back facing Levi. _What the hell is Levi up to?_  

“You moron, turn around.” 

“I-I don’t know if--”

“Do it!”

Erwin sighed and turned around to look at Levi. With the space between them, the small brunet scooted closer so that his face was touching Erwin’s chest, making him stiffen. Levi grabbed Erwin’s arm and made him wrap it around his body. He closed his eyes and sighed.  They didn’t speak, they didn’t move. Soon, Erwin was beginning to relax too.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
